Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Vodka?
Forever.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
