Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
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