mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
