i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
