How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
