Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
