sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
