There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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