If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
