You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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