If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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