drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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