I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
