WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
