My nipple is on Facebook.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
