ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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