i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
