I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
