me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He passed out mid-signature
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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