I have demons in me.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
