I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Randomize
