She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
