if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
