There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
