I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
