if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
When are your genitals available?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize