High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
