I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
