whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize