I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
