Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
