Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
