don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
