Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
