You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
