**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
