there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize