shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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