It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
