I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
