Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
