So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
