I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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