This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
