he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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