please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
