Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
