I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
