my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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