My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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