There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
