I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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