I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
