I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
