im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
