Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I love having hate sex.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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