We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
