You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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