The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
